I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Pants are for mortals
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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