I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
