Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my poor anus
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
