Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
