I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
