yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
