I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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