In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
