Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
