i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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