3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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