Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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