i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize