I think my fart just growled at me.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
