I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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