I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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