i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
