The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
