i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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