then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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