Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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