I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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