just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I wish there were birth control emojis
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
