he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He shit in the fireplace
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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