The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
