god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
