New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
