I saw his package. It spoke to me.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
