I need help removing her.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
