Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
