Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Randomize
