i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
