So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
