and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
