so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
