Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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