the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize