a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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