I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
