it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
