Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
