i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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