My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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