I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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