and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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