Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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