Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
