come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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