I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
