grandma shit on top of the toilet
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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