I am in a vortex of obligation.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
