I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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