been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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