sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
