I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
