fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
