I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
