I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
