My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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