It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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