I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
